Thursday, April 30, 2009

Driving? Me?? Nuts!!

I’ll just begin by saying I love to drive, even on days like the one in this picture when I was stuck in winter traffic for a half hour. I’ll drive anywhere, anytime, in any weather. I enjoy the logistics of traffic, love new scenery and generally find the whole experience quite relaxing. Across town or across the country, with a car full of people or by myself – I love driving. I even love my 45 minute commute twice a day. I love the part of my morning where I set my cruise control on 65, sip my coffee, listen to the radio or CD’s and transition from home to work in a leisurely manner.
But every once in awhile, it seems that every idiot in the world who has an automobile is on the road when I am. So I’ve compiled a little list of
1. Texting while driving. The reasons this is a bad idea are so obvious that if you don’t get it, you should be banned from driving just on principal. And if you honestly don’t understand what a phenomenally stupid thing this is, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your heart surgeon texted while performing your quadruple bypass?
Now you know how the rest of us feel, Skippy.
2. Women putting on makeup while painting their nails, checking their lipstick in the rear view mirror AND DRIVING. Ladies, howzabout walking to work tomorrow morning instead of driving? No? Afwaid ums Jimmy Choo shoes would pinch um’s widdle toes?? Well then Cupcake, put on your big girl panties and get up early enough to do your preening and primping at home. In the bathroom. Where the rest of America gets ready in the morning.
3. Driving without headlights in the rain or snow. It’s like playing hide and seek with a ghost in the fog. A really big two ton ghost that can kill you if you inadvertently pull out in front of him. Just use your headlights, ok? I know you can do it. Go ahead – it’s that little knobby thing over there. Good! Now, don’t you feel better?? I know I do
4. Speakers with the bass so loud that you can actually see the car windows bowing out. I will say this just once: Pull up anywhere near me when I have a migraine and I will make it so that you never annoy people again. That’s not a threat – that’s a promise.
5. Tailgating. Suffice it to say that we all drive faster than we should sometimes, myself included. But here’s a quick lesson in physics: two bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time. I don’t know who’s rule that is but some smart guy actually built his reputation on that obvious little fact right there. So if there are cars in front of me and you’re riding my back bumper so closely that I can see your untended nose hairs, you’re only going to change this law of physics in a manner involving ambulances and police reports. Get a grip, big boy. It’s a commute, not a contest.
Ok. I’m going to stop there. More writing will only put me into a rant.
And no – this wasn’t ranting. It was venting. There’s a difference. I’m not sure what the difference is, but it’s my blog so I’m calling it a vent.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to back away from the keyboard, go find a couple of dogs and snuggle until I find my center. My calm ooooohhhhhmmmmmm center. And maybe a gin and tonic to go with it.
Thank you for letting me vent, and please come back tomorrow. My next post comes complete with its own "No Venting" zone. I promise.

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