My First Five Things

I'm only four days into my two weeks on the couch, and I'm already making lists of things I'll never complain about again, or things I'll do from now on without complaining. This doesn't bode well for you, the dear Scrapinator reader. All I can do is promise not to let this develop into a full-blown rant.
So here we go - my first list borne from the sort of clarity one gets only when bored to the point of making nose harps out of a straw while trying to hum "All the Single Ladies" backwards.
1. I will never complain again about using a lint roller. I'm lying here - hot, sweaty and covered in dog fur - and would happily use a lint roller except (a) I can't reach the damn thing and (b) why de-fur only to be refurred moments later?
2. I will never ever complain that DaBoys don't sit on me enough. Ever.
3. When I'm mobile again, I'm going to scrub Ken's little bath till it sparkles. Not that it doesn't sparkle now, but it's such a guy bath. When you can only go two places (the bathroom or the couch) you spend as much time at each place as you can before lurching off to the other place. And sitting in Ken's bath I noticed the marked lack of those little touches I know he'd appreciate. Like better toilet paper. And maybe new curtains. Oh! and some air fresheners. But don't tell AOK - I want this to be a surprise, ok?
4. Beer taps in the living room. But not for beer, silly. I'd use mine for a continuous supply of diet Pepsi and cold water. I'm running out of quarters to tip AOK with.
5. I'm going to invent the remotocellphone. It'll be a single, easy-to-find, easy-to-use device that will change the TV channel, or act as your home or cell phone. Cuz I'm here to tell you, three devices clipped to your sweatpants = a full moon.